Friday Inspiration – Be Like Batman and Other Advice

Not every bit of encouragement is right for everyone. To that end, there is no theme today. (The horror!) Take what works for you.

Ok, I know. Maybe it’s not cool to make a joke about the Titanic. BUT, Pinchy there has a point. For most awful things in life, there is something positive that comes from it. Even if it is hard to see.

So let me explain something. Batman is awesome. When people debate who is better, Batman or Superman, I point out that Superman has super powers and a piece of rock makes him cry, where Batman is just a super awesome rich dude with the coolest house, car, and toys ever. Rocks are for crushing! YEAAH!

Ahem. Point being, even though Batman is super awesome, he has naysayers. People who just don’t get him. You know what Batman thinks about that? He doesn’t.

Chances are, someone in life is not going to “get” your awesomeness. They may even think that you, or the things you love, are ridiculous. Be like Batman. Ridiculously awesome.

This one is for the parents. I happen to be a bit of a neurotic mommy at times. When anything isn’t going just so with my kid, I start second guessing my parenting skills. Must. Be. Perfect!

But then I rememeber, my parents did an awesome job with all five of their kids. They were not perfect. And we are hilarious. (Ok, I should say my siblings are hilarious, because next to them I am about as dull as a rock…)

So, stop trying to be the perfect parent. You’ll doom your kid to being the most boring person in the world.

There is never a day when NO one understands you. Even if it is just your couch.

There are ways to disagree without being disagreeable. Find yours.

There is no reason for this. Sometimes, you don’t need a reason, right?

For those of you starting ROW80 on Monday, I’ll see you there. Until then, have a great weekend everyone!

Let It Flow

Being a parent involves a lot of research.

At least, for me it does. From the moment I became pregnant, my life was a flurry of books, websites, magazines, and online forums. I read voraciously, wanting to be sure that I did everything just so.

Trouble is, there isn’t exactly one way to get the job done. You have all sorts of theories on just about everything you do. What to eat and how to exercise when you’re pregnant, how to labor and give birth, how the kid sleeps, eats, learns, poops; the information is endless.

Long before the little man was old enough for me to be concerned about it, I read up on potty training. I purchased a potty chair when he was just over a year and started to introduce the idea to him. At first, he seemed to think it was a cool new addition, all bright and shiny and red.

Then, he lost interest. As we got closer to an age where I thought potty training could begin, he wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. Trying to get him to even be in the same room with the potty resulted in blood-curdling screams. If the house next to me wasn’t empty, it’s likely someone would have called the authorities.

So, I gave up. If he wanted to spend his future in adult diapers, so be it.

Then, just a few days ago, he came up to me.

“Mama. I want the train on your butt.”

First off, my kid needs to work on his pronouns. But the important thing here is that he was requesting underwear. I grabbed the Thomas the Train undies and explained to him that he shouldn’t pee on Thomas. The first day, he would do his little dance, I’d lead him to the potty, and while he was reluctant to follow, once he was there, he did what had to be done.

Today is day three. We haven’t had a single accident since he put that train on his butt. Or changed over to the Star Wars on his butt.

Which made me think…potty training and writing aren’t all that different.

There’s a lot of advice out there. You don’t need to take it all. A lot of advice givers present their words as an absolute way to do things. With potty training, I was beginning to think I was missing something because some of the advice I tried wasn’t working. The reality is that different methods work for different kids. When it came down to it, I had to take the information given and trust my instincts on what was best for us.

There is a lot of information out there for writers, from the craft to social media and blogging. While some can be helpful, it starts to become noise after a while. ”Write what you know. Don’t write what you know. Blog, tweet, bleat! Shut off your computer! Give away your books. Don’t give away your books.” It can be pretty overwhelming. The reality is, no one person can give you the advice that is perfect for you. Take it in. Then learn to trust your instincts rather than look to one source as the authority.

Don’t push* it. When I tried to make the little guy use the potty, he only resisted more. He knew he wasn’t ready. Trying to make him go anyway just upset him more.

While goals are great when you are writing, as is a schedule, sometimes we push too hard. Writing 500 words every day is great, but if you aren’t feeling inspired, is beating yourself up to get that 500 really productive? I participated in NaNoWriMo this past year for the first time. I reallly enjoyed it for the first 30k words. I was on track and inspired and the story was moving. Then I hit a point where the next scene wasn’t really working. For a couple of days, I tried to write just for the sake of the word count. I hated it. Sure, I may have produced the skeleton of something good during those days, but it made me want to walk away from the story entirely. Don’t force your writing.

Pay attention. The little man asking to wear underwear was my first sign that he might be ready to make the transition, but I knew he wasn’t going to suddenly walk up to me and ask to use the potty. I had to watch him like a hawk that first day. I had to wait for “the dance”. Every time I saw the dance, I took him to the potty.

Have a dream that you can’t stop thinking about? Overhear a conversation you can’t shake? That dream might be your next novel. A conversation in a coffee shop could be that scene you’ve been having a hard time with. A mysterious character in line at the gas station might fill the physical description of your next character. If you are too busy hanging out in your head, worrying about word counts, you might miss great opportunities for your writing.

Celebrate and reward. While I was disappointed when little man wouldn’t have anything to do with the potty, or when he’d pee all over the place in our earlier attempts to train him, I never berated him. Now, when the little guy pees, he gets to hear what a great job he did. Sometimes, we go play with his letters after. A few times, he got to have a piece of cookie. Even when he doesn’t pee, I cheer him on for trying.

I hear a lot of writers beating themselves up. They didn’t socialize enough on Twitter that week. They only wrote one blog post. They didn’t meet their word count. They haven’t heard back after sending out a query. How about remembering what you did do? Maybe you didn’t crank out 1000 words, but you wrote something. Maybe you didn’t write at all that day, but you worked out a scene in your head. Sure, we don’t want to excuse ourselves from the work of writing, but if we are always down on ourselves for what we didn’t accomplish, we risk turning our love into a drudgery.

It will happen when it will happen. I’ve been in disbelief the past few days. I went from a kid who seemed genuinely afraid of the idea of a potty, to a kid who hasn’t had a single accident. My mom simply says, “He decided he was ready.”

When your story feels like it just won’t come together, just remember, it may not be ready. You may even have to walk away from it for a little while. Give it time. It will happen. At a certain point, your story will be asking for “the train on your butt”.

When it does, I’m sure you’ll do the same little victory dance and cheer the little man does after he pees.

“Yay! I did it! I did it!”

*I’m 12. Saying push in the context of potty training makes me giggle.

The Expert

I’m a fan of words.

The origins of them fascinate me, as well as the way their usage changes across time.

One word in particular has been irking me lately.  Well, not the word. *pats pretty little word on the head* More the way people throw it around.

Expert.

What exactly does the word mean?

The English word is derived directly from the Latin experiri which literally means “to try, to test” (four years of a dead language FTW!).  So an expert is, at their most basic form, someone who has “tried and tested”.  We use the word to denote that someone has special knowledge in a field, that someone has tried/tested the various aspects of that area.

I’ve been called an expert before.  It’s flattering.  And in some areas, it could be seen as true, in the most literal sense of me being a person who has tried and tested things enough to have above average knowledge in that area.

So what has me so bothered?  It’s the growing trend of self-proclaimed experts.

T-Shirt c/o Zazzle.com

There are a lot of them out there.  Unfortunately, once they proclaim their expertise with enough confidence, they get others referring to them as experts, too, making it difficult to discern how they got the title in the first place.  It’s a fast moving snowball of arms and legs waving you down, telling you to hop on or be left behind.

You don’t have to join them.  It’s ok to study your map, research the trails and make your own choices to get to the bottom of the mountain.  The people yelling from the snowball might have some good ideas, but you don’t have to go rolling down with them. You know what happens to those waving arms and legs when the snowball gets to the bottom?

To quote my 2 year old: KERSPLAT.

So, as a public service to the three of you still listening (what? no, I didn’t bring donuts…), ahem, the two of you still listening, here are some things to watch for when listening to an “expert”.

Advice Vomit

There are two levels of advice regurgitation to watch for.

One, restating what another expert said when it doesn’t need it.  “Established expert says “XYZ”.  Now, let me break it down into page upon page of trite rhetoric.  ‘Cause, I’m smarter than you.  Remember, I’m an expert.”

The second involves the expert repeating their own advice over and over.  And over.  An expert worth their salt will have something new to offer.

The Sales Pitch

I’ve got no issues with people who market a product, even when that product happens to be them.  I do get very leery of anyone who tells me how awesome they are and how much they know, only to follow it with “…and you can be, too, in four easy installments of 19.95!”

I’m Just Like You, Only Better

The “I made the same mistake once” line is one I loathe.  The idea behind it seems innocent enough. It allows one to commiserate, to say, “hey, we all make mistakes”.  Don’t feel bad about yourself. Nice idea, right?

What that line often means:  “I once shoveled manure with the lowly slaves, but now I’m living luxuriously in a castle of my own awesomeness.  Bask in the glow that is me. I’ll even toss you the crusts from yesterday’s sandwich.”  In case you didn’t catch it, you just got called a poopy covered serf.

Beware the Modifier

There is a distinct difference between someone saying that they are “an” expert versus “the” expert.  If you see those three letters, run for the hills.  While this person may have some words of value to impart, they’ve let their experience go to their head.  They have just made themselves “the Alpha and Omega” of their area of supposed expertise.

As any fairly intelligent person will tell you, there is always someone out there who knows more than you.  To even imply otherwise shows a lack of humility, not to mention a removal from reality.  Danger!

Trust Your Instincts

No matter who the expert is, if something doesn’t seem right to you, go with your gut.  I’m a big advocate of following a well-educated gut, mind you.

In the process of researching, you’ll come across total hacks, people who have a few good points, and the occasional flashes of brilliance.  All those things combined allow you to make your own conclusions.

Before you know it, you’ll have tried and tested what you were curious about.  This, technically, makes you the expert.

Just don’t go calling yourself one.

Friday Inspiration – Just Be You

I am generally lacking theme on this blog.  I like it that way.  You appear to like it that way.  Despite advice out there that tells me otherwise, I’m sticking with just being me.

And yet, I feel like the week is becoming a bit themed.  That’s ok, too.

In line with the rant I started the week with, today’s thought:

/sarcasm

Sounds ridiculous, right?  Yet a lot of us find ourselves saying essentially this.  Whether directly or indirectly, we seek the approval of faceless text on our screen.  (Ok, maybe not faceless, what with avatars and all…)

I’m not one of those “do what you want” people.  I am most certainly a people pleaser.  And I am OK with that.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to make other people happy from time to time.  But you have to draw the line somewhere.

Yes, there are smart people out on the interwebs.  Some of them are really good at sounding like they know what they are talking about.  Now, thanks to social media, instead of just reading what the smart folks have to say, you are interacting with them.

Which is all very cool.

But don’t forget.  These are not infallible people.  Just because you don’t agree doesn’t make you wrong.  It just makes you, well, you.

And that is really cool.

Now, have a puddin' pop.

Thanks for all the blog love this week.  If you missed the big ones, head back to Monday to hear me rant, or yesterday for some great links on Google+.

Also, next week, I’ll be preparing for another interview.  Got questions?  Submit them in the comments.

Now, in the words of the random craigslist email I received just moments ago: “Please have the best day of your life.”

Currently Listening to: Better by Regina Spektor

***For those of you sitting there wondering, “whoa, what set her off this week”, there is no one thing.  This all has been a long time coming.  Too many people out there feeling like they can’t move forward creatively after being beat over the head by someone on the interwebs.  I get all mama bear for my peoples.

The White Tower Has No Vacancies

In high school there was a teacher who would discuss rules of language with us and explain some of them by stating that some guys in a white tower decided that this is the way it would be and so it is.

With English, I can understand why that statement would be made.  We have a lot of rules that at times seem to have no explanation to them.  Some are even inconsistent with other rules.  But we accept them.  ’Cause that is what was decided, long ago, by the dudes in the Big White Tower.

"Dude, i before e, EXCEPT after C. That'll really mess with 'em."

It seems lately that there are a lot of people out there vying for membership into this elite group, using their blogs as a sort of audition process.

To those of you trying out: Stop it already.

I’m not talking about people who simply like to be helpful with reminders about grammar and spelling rules we might forget.  Or emphasizing the importance of when to use “their”, “they’re”, or “there”.  I don’t mind helpful lovers of language.  You’re nice.

The ones I do mind are out there making edicts, stating opinion as law.  I know you’ve seen it.  They are everywhere.

If I see one more character roll their eyes, I am going to set myself on fire.

When I read a book with adverbs, it makes me want to stab someone in the face.

If you are going to ever be published, you must have blah blah blah…

The trouble with these “rules” is that there is generally a basis in truth.  It’s as if the person writing them consumed some useful knowledge, then processed it through some machine of disturbing absolutes before spitting them back out again in a twisted, gnarled version of what they once were.

Despite their wretched appearance, the little bit of truth allows them to sound like a plausible set of rules.  Insecure writers (which is, let’s face it, a lot of us) read them and end up redlining their manuscript thinking they’ve repeatedly committed some cardinal sin.  Confess, burn the manuscript, and start again.

For the writers trying so desperately to “get it right”, here is my one big piece of writerly advice (yes, this is unsolicited, so if you don’t want it, stop reading):

Don’t listen to everything you hear.  Or more accurately, don’t give weight to everything you read.

I’m not saying there isn’t good advice out there.  But, for the most part, when you see someone state something as law, particularly with words like “never” and “absolutely”, take a moment to think before you run screaming from your house, tossing pages of your manuscript into a ravine.

As I’ve said, within their declaration there is an element of truth.  Yes, I don’t want to see your character roll his eyes in every paragraph, but there may be moments when that is the exact description I need to feel their exasperation.

And yes, there are better ways to show me that a character is in a “dreamy state” than to tell me they said something “dreamily”.  But that doesn’t mean that I am going to throw myself off a building if I see a word ending in -ly.

See what I mean?  Element of truth? Yes.  But is the absolute blanket statement worthwhile?  No.

If you read something that makes you want to curl up into the fetal position, hugging your manuscript whispering “I won’t quit you”, all the while sliding it closer to the paper shredder, stop reading it.  Spend that time writing instead.

Now, for those of you guilty of telling the rest of the writerly world what they can and can’t do…

Are you really that insecure?  Do you need that much attention?  I mean, really, what is your deal?*

Some of you aren’t even published authors, and you are running around telling people what they can and can’t do when they write.  What are your credentials?  Oh, you’ve read Stephen King’s “On Writing” or Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird”, have you?  Guess what? Most of us have, too.  And if you found what they said so valuable that you felt inspired to share, stop twisting their words into your crazy rules.  Instead, recommend their books, or share what they said and credit them with information that is actually helpful.

You took a class you say?  I took Calculus once.  I shall now declare that 2+2=4.19478. See how stupid I sound?  Guess what?  That’s what you sound like.

Oh, and those of you published authors congratulating yourselves in the corner for not being in the line of fire?  This applies to you, too.  Just because you have been successful on some level, does not mean that writing and/or being published is “your way or the highway”.

Yes, it’s likely you have knowledge to share.  By all means, share it.  We love you for that.  Tell us what worked and failed for you.  Do not tell us what will work and fail for us.

If you are reading this and wondering if I am talking about you, there is a good chance I’m not.  If you are reading this and getting all offended and thinking “but I know what I am talking about…who are you to tell me anything?” then, yeah, I’m probably talking about you.

If you are truly someone who loves the craft, who writes about it to share with others, to encourage them, to help them succeed, then stop writing rules. It’s that simple.

The White Tower is not taking applications at this time.  Move on to something more productive.

*I am not ranting about people who state things strongly for the sake of emphasis. There are bloggers that do that, and do it well.  Most people can’t get away with it.  Strongly worded opinion is still presented as opinion.  That is ok.  Presenting it as fact is the issue.